


Golden Band

by Jinkisducklings



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Marriage, Mentioned Kim Kibum | Key, Misunderstandings, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-29 21:05:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18786205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jinkisducklings/pseuds/Jinkisducklings
Summary: Three years ago Jinki left to pursue his Ph.D. Three years ago Jonghyun refused to go with him. Both have their wedding rings as a reminder of what they gave up.





	Golden Band

             The picture was grainy, taken on some first generation cell phone, but he could feel the happiness through the low-quality photo as if it happened just yesterday and not 8 years in the past. His lips were pressed against Jinki’s cheek, snow falling around them, with silly knitted hats his mother made them for their first Christmas together. If he tried hard enough he could see the blurry snow covered gazebo in the background and the flickering of the candles sitting in the kitchen window to the left of them. They had been ice skating on the pond that froze every winter behind Jinki’s home. The man was almost a pro on his skates. Jonghyun remembered with a chuckle just how much of a newborn duck he was on his own, having to be helped around tight against Jinki’s side. He had been so nervous to meet all of his family, to go home with him for the holidays even after dating for almost a year as they had then. Looking back he knew he had nothing to be nervous about.

             He flicked his thumb softly to go onto the next photo and a smile pulled at his lips even as his heart ached deeply at the memory. It was a moment that was supposed to be only between the two of them, the night of Kibum’s 21st birthday party, caught in the back by the tall wooden fence in the background of the photo. It had been zoomed once Kibum had realized what he had caught, his two friends falling for each other. Jinki’s hands were on his waist, hair dripping wet, and chest bare as he had just pulled himself out of the pool once he had seen Jonghyun step out of the house with his drink. It was the first night Jinki had told him he loved him. So softly only they could hear it over the booming music and hollering of 20 something odd drunk college kids. Jonghyun swore if he tried hard enough he still could taste the twang of Jinki’s lips, the dripping pool water, and their mixed drinks swirling together between them.

             The next was a video, one that he played knowing exactly what it was. Jinki was turned away, looking over his shoulder still at the camera. His voice was quiet, almost too much so to hear over the bustle of the airport around him. “Are you getting this?” Kibum quipped behind the camera, “Every bit.” Their engagement. He had gone across the country for his book release, gone for almost 3 weeks. He remembers the rush around him as he ran off that plane, pushing through people as quickly as he could until just like in the video he stopped in his tracks seeing Jinki going down on one knee a few strides away from him. He didn’t need the video, pausing it quickly trying to get his emotions in check. The nervousness in Jinki’s voice, afraid of what he may say, how his hand shook as he took his own. How he was picked up, and twirled, lips finding each other as soon as the emotional yes was whispered and the ring was slid on his finger.

             Another flick of his thumb, his cheek falling further on his palm as he leaned against the recliner. The tapped play on the video without even thinking and his breath was caught in his throat when he heard Jinki’s voice. “I was going to make a little video of our new apartment, but I can’t seem to stop taping you beautiful.” Jinki’s deep laughter was felt deep inside him. The video didn’t last much longer, a quick little run over of their mostly empty first apartment together. The freeze frame as the video ended was Jinki kissing his hair, both of them looking the happiest he could remember them being.

             Wait, that was wrong. He knew because as he flipped a few more times he ended on what they thought was their wedding. Absentmindedly his fingers reached for his golden band hung on a chain around his neck, the metal cool against the softness of one of Jinki’s t-shirts that he had left. The photos looked like it was done in the middle of the summer, the sun warm on the horizon, but he knew it was taken on the cusp of winter, leaves falling around them as the trees lost their final few. By the photos, you’d never guess two years later one of the two would have taken their ring off completely.

             With a shuddering breath, Jonghyun exited out of the album. Jinki’s single status caught his eye. He still could remember the day it changed from being married. They had never tagged each other, but anyone being friends with either of them knew. Through his tears, he managed to smile at the Ph.D. in Jinki’s about section. He never thought he’d watch Jinki get on with his life through photographs, just like he used to be alongside him every step of the way. The night they ended was all blurred, too many harsh and heartbreaking memories for his mind to grip onto completely. He could still remember their last kiss that night. Jinki’s hands shaking as he took his face between them, eyes so deep and pained, as he leaned closer and gently kissed him. His fingers brushed against his lips at the memory, the warm and sweetness mixed with the salt of their tears, for neither ever thought it’d come to this.

             They were never supposed to have a last kiss. Jonghyun had never foreseen Jinki changing his mind, and he wasn’t sure what made him say no to him that night either. A little part of him wanted to have hope, to be optimistic about it, about how Jinki hadn’t deleted anything of their life together present on his social media, or how he hadn’t unfriended him. But the ache in his heart overshadowed all of it. He missed him. He should have said yes to him when Jinki asked him to go with him. He should have always picked Jinki, instead of the ease of his comfort zone, but it was far too late to erase his choice. It would be 3 years next July that Jinki walked out of the door with his two suitcases. He should have walked after him.

             But he hadn’t and there wasn’t any amount of regret that would turn back time. He glanced at the message icon, thumb hovering over it for just a moment, before he closed the app and locked his phone, tossing it onto the table next to him. The flames of his two candles, one being his and the other being Jinki’s favorite scent, took his attention just for a moment. The dancing flames and the slight warmth from them were somewhat calming.

\------

              The gold band was cool to the touch as he held it in his palm. Such a simple piece of jewelry that held so much more than he liked to think about. The tan lines that were on his left ring finger were long gone, but the finger still felt bare without the ring upon it. The gentle sway of the boat under him, the soft sound of the waves against the hull, and the distant sound of Minho working on the laptop up on the deck couldn’t overpower the volume of his thoughts screaming inside of his head. The first tear fell from his chin then causing him to curl his fingers tightly around the ring until it hurt. Only then did he place it in the back of his wallet where it had been since that night three years ago he pushed it in sitting in his car with tears streaming down his face. The leather had been pushed and pulled until even when the ring wasn’t within the wallet the outline could be seen.

              Thinking about Jonghyun and the life he left made his stomach twist in knots. The night he left replayed in his mind every time he was alone with his thoughts as if his mind was trying to fill the void left by Jonghyun by the memories. Their last kiss was long and sweet, for he knew neither of them wanted it to end. His last words echoed, ‘ _Know I was happy here. I was happy with you. Please remember I was always happy loving you. I didn’t look for something more because you weren’t enough for me.’._

              Jonghyun’s voice, so gentle and full of sorrow, ‘ _Go be great Jinki_ ’, cut like a knife. He tried to remember the last time he had heard Jonghyun say he loved him, but the memory of a simple text message was blurry at best has his chest aching. His head fell into his hands, fingers pushing through his dark hair roughly as he takes a sharp intake of breath. Minho was expecting him up on deck to start the day's data collection. He couldn’t, nor did he want to, explain to the younger man what was causing him to unravel at the ends slowly.

              With a deep breath, he walked over to his bathroom and splashed cool water onto his face. Before heading out of the room he took a strong gulp of the bottle of whiskey on the shelf near the door. It burned down his throat, but he managed to focus through the murkiness of pain in his mind. After everything, he couldn’t jeopardize his research. Then, everything he let gave up would have been for nothing. Leaving Jonghyun would have been for nothing. He hated the date. Their anniversary mocking him everywhere he looked. The top of the notes, the green blinking letters on their equipment.

              He knew the rush of pain would subside and only become a dull ache, easily pushed aside to focus on his work and research, but until then he’d bite the inside of his cheek and hope the otters helped brighten his day. “Hey, Boss. You ready to go in?”

              “Yes, Minho. Sorry, I’m late.”

\-----

              The bartender placed a drink before him, one he hadn’t ordered. When he looked up to question the man he only gestured to the gentleman next to him. “Hey, Handsome.”

              “I’m sorry. I’m married.”

              “I don’t see a ring.”

              He swallowed thickly, realizing the familiar said on pure instinct answer wasn’t true anymore. “It’s at the jeweler's. Thank you though.”

              The man smiled friendly enough before slipping away. Jinki knew he could have just given in to the advances, but he also knew no matter who it was and how many people he shared a bed with, none of them would fill the empty space in his life the way Jonghyun did. As well as, he didn’t want to. He hadn’t been with anyone else since college and he wasn’t in the right state of mind to try connecting with another in any capacity. The thought of calling Kibum and venting to him crossed his mind, but he knew the man wouldn’t understand. He also spoke to Jonghyun. Jinki didn’t want to get him in the middle of this... Whatever it was.

              He paid his bill and slipped from the bar quietly. The air had a slight chill to it causing him to tighten his jacket closer to his body as he turned to find his car around the next block. Going home to an empty bed felt even colder, lonelier. He pressed his lips together into a thin line and started his engine. He had to live with his choices and he was sure Jonghyun would have moved on by now. The lack of communication spoke volumes to him and he couldn’t go back with so much hope to have it crushed again just like that night he went to tell Jonghyun about his acceptance letter.

              Every drink he had ordered had sat in front of him, untouched, except the glass of water. He didn’t even like the fruity little drinks, but Jonghyun had. He would order them for his husband all the time, carrying the dainty glass over from the bar to where they had gotten a booth in whatever restaurant they were in. Was it a waste of money? Completely, but it was a weird feeling of normalcy in this new lonely world he hadn’t quite learned to navigate just yet.

              Once he reached his small apartment he didn’t even bother turning on any lights as he made his way through it to the bedroom. There he turned on one lamp on the side of the bed he slept on. The right, just out of the habit of Jonghyun always getting the left. On the nightstand was Jonghyun’s new book, one he was in the middle of reading. After getting ready for bed he’d read the words he could almost picture Jonghyun sitting at that small kitchen table of theirs, fuzzy socks on his feet and glasses slipping off his nose, just like he had seen so many times before. It was nearly the same, but he felt as if those written words of Jonghyun’s were like hearing him speak next to him in bed before bed. A piece of him he no longer had besides in those pages.

              One day he would heal. One day he would get over the man that got away.

              Tonight was not that day.

\------

              The sun was barely peeking over the horizon as Jonghyun walked down his steps toward the beach and the ocean. There was a blanket thrown over his shoulders, light yellow coffee cup held between his palms, as he shuffled over the cool sand. He liked going barefoot, feeling the granules shift between his toes. His sleep shorts only reached to his mid thigh and he shivered slightly in the early morning breeze coming from the Sea. It had been almost three months since he had moved out here to the coast. Sitting in that apartment never did him much good, waiting for Jinki to come home.

              Once he finally accepted he wasn’t going to, Jonghyun took it upon himself to move out here. Deep down he could admit that the main reason he loved the sea was the soft, warm memories it reminded him of Jinki. It probably wasn’t completely healthy, but Jonghyun felt more at peace and healed than he had in years. Kibum fully believed that he had moved out here to be closer to his editor. Which was a good enough excuse other than, ‘my husband moved here like four years ago and I miss him so I came to mope’. 

              He was rather early this morning he realized as he noticed the runner coming up the beach. He usually saw them run past him as he stepped onto the porch, too far away to see their face, but he figured they had to live near here. They ran almost every morning, starting about a month ago. After drinking the last bit of his coffee, Jonghyun turned to look toward the runner. It took him a moment to focus his eyes on the person’s face, but it didn’t matter for he recognized the voice coming from their lips before his mind could process the visual input. “Jonghyun?”

              Standing there was Jinki, brow furrowed and lips parted, frozen in his spot as the waves rolled against his feet.

\-------

              Jinki had found this strip of beach a few months after he had moved out here, but with his research schedule and at the time, grad school, he hadn’t been able to run it as much as he wished. Now with the first part of his research complete, he was home on a more permanent basis and going to the office he and Minho shared at the aquarium for work instead, and every morning he’d run this length of the beach. Music played through his headphones, the wind whipping his hair around his head, as his feet hit the sand with each step. Up ahead he could see someone standing in the early morning light, watching the sea. He figured it must be one of the residents with their lack of real pants and the cup held between their hands.

              As he got closer, he was shifting his feet to change his route when he recognized the person and his feet stumbled. His thoughts fizzed out as he blinked a few times. The man before him should be across the country where he had left him four years ago. The name slipped past his lips as he pulled the headphones from his ears, heart pounding in his chest as he tried to remember how to breathe. “Jonghyun?”

              The coffee cup in his hands falls as his eyes widen, a gasp leaving his lips as he takes a step back. “Jinki...I-”

              “You’re not supposed to be here.”

              Jonghyun’s brows furrowed as he tugged his blanket tighter around his shoulders. “I beg to differ. This is my beach.”

               “Here, on the coast. Wait-” His chest aches a little, a flutter as he asks, “What do you mean your beach?”

              Jinki follows Jonghyun’s hand as he points behind him. “I live there. Have for about five months now.”

              The ache was increasing as he frowned, “You said you couldn’t move to the coast with me. For us.”

              “I did.”

              “And you’ve moved here now?”

              “Yes.”

              “I see.” He swallows thickly as his gaze falls before sighing, eyes fluttering. “I guess you’re here with someone then?”

              When he looks up, Jonghyun’s face is scrunched up, “What makes you ask that?”

              If you wouldn’t come for me, Love, someone had to be enough.” With a sad smile, he shrugs. “You look... Well. It was nice to see you.”

              He’s about ten feet from Jonghyun when he stops, hearing his voice barely louder than the waves and the birds chirping as they flew overhead. “Don’t you dare walk away again.”

\-----

              “What?”

              “I’m not here because of someone else.” Jonghyun huffed, arms crossed over his chest. “I’m here because… I couldn’t sit there in what we made our home any longer. It was suffocating waiting for you to come back but you never did Jinki. You walked out of that door and never looked back. You never came back Jinki.”  

              “I was under the impression you wouldn’t want me to.”

              “What gave you that god awful impression?”

              “The entirety of my Ph.d. there was nothing from you Jonghyun. When I graduated, I figured I had nothing to come home to.” Jinki chewed on his lip for a moment, hands in his pockets as he shrugged. “I’d have followed you wherever you wanted to go Jonghyun. I tried so hard to understand why you didn’t want to come with me, but I don’t.”

              Jonghyun can feel his bottom lip trembling, his hands beginning to shake as he tightens them around his blanket. He finds Jinki’s eyes confidently even if his vision is becoming blurry. “I thought you always knew you’d always have me to come home to.”

              “You are my home Jonghyun. That hasn’t changed and that’s why it hurts every day.” Jinki’s gaze lowers again, watching the sand he gently kicks with his foot crumble. “I’ve tried so hard to move forward, to fill the gap you left in my life, but nothing works.”

              “Jinki…”

“              Maybe I never should have left.” When Jinki finds his eyes again, he’s softly smiling even with the slow tears falling from his eyes. “If I had stayed, we’d probably have that baby we talked about… the house we wanted and the dog… I life we were meant to have. Instead, we have this.” He gestured wildly with his hands, eyes squeezing shut as he shook his head. Jonghyun could see the shakiness of his breathing with the faltering rise of his chest.

              After a beat of silence, Jonghyun whispered. “You took off your ring.”

              “So did you.”

              He fished it out from under his shirt, holding the gold bang between two fingers. “I couldn’t part from it completely.”

              “I-” He can see Jinki swallow thickly, his tongue peeking out to run over his lips before he was fishing something out of his pocket. It took Jonghyun a moment to realize it was his wallet. A moment later he lifted his matching ring. “You aren’t the only one who couldn’t part from it, Jonghyun.”

              “Why’d you keep it if you felt I didn’t want you to come home?”

              Jinki shrugged, replacing the ring and the wallet into this pocket. “Because I still love you and I felt completely empty when I tried to leave it in my dorm room that first week of classes.”

              “I love you too. You know that... Right?”

\------

              He gazed softly over at Jonghyun, teetering on the balls of his feet for a moment before sighing. “For a long time, I doubted you did. A part of me wanted me to believe that you didn’t love me anymore and that’s why you let me go alone.”

              He dropped his eyes then, knowing he couldn’t handle seeing Jonghyun look at him like that. Not again. “If I had been selfish and kept you there, we’d probably have a baby together, but I’d feel so guilty for forcing you to give up your dream for me. I should have come with you. I should have put you over my silly reasonings because I love you so much, Jinki. I did then and I do now. Time and distance didn’t change that for me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for ending it, for making you leave.”

              “Jonghyun-”

              “I should have reached out. I missed you so fucking much, Jinki. I moved out here because I miss you and the sea always reminded me of you, calmed me in a way you do.” Jonghyun’s eyes fall then, bottom lip pulled through his teeth before he shakes his head and softly muttering. “But you’d never come back.” He smiles then as he lifts his gaze after grabbing his dropped cup. “It’s good to see you. Goodbye Jinki.”

              Jinki softly curses as he watches him go before pushing off the sand and crossing the distance between them easily. He softly curls his fingers around Jonghyun’s wrist, flashing a smile as the man whips around to look at him. The tears glistening on his cheeks makes the words falter on his lips for just a moment before he finds them again. “I’m four years late, but can I come home, Love?”

\-------

              Jinki’s smile is falling from his face in the increasing silence and Jonghyun can’t have that, so instead of answering with words, he drops his cup once more. Both of his hands are holding Jinki’s face, pushing into his hair, as he tilts his head just enough to kiss him. The kiss is deepened quickly, Jinki’s arms moving around his waist and fingers tightening in his shirt to keep him close. It’s like a rubber band pulled taunt was let go, them snapping together and crashing together. When they parted, their foreheads are pressed together, their rushed breathes mingling between the small space between their lips. Jonghyun grins widely, laughing softly. “You already are, Jinki.”

              Jonghyun's eyes widen as Jinki presses his face into the crook of his neck as the trembles of his body are felt as he cries. "I'm never leaving home again." 

              And he fully believed him. They had a lot to talk about, to work through, but all that mattered right then was feeling the other in their embrace.

 


End file.
